Marriage Lesson 3 Marriage and Children

Marriage Lesson 3 

Marriage and Children

 

Let’s start with Lesson Review on the “Husband and Wife Roles”

 

The roles of husband and wife are ultimately rooted in the distinctive roles of Christ and his church. 

 

The revelation of this mystery is the recovery of the original intention of covenant marriage in the Garden of Eden. 

 

“One More Thing…”

 

Read Mark 12.18-25 (attention to v25) 

 

Yes, they were reunited, but not as husband and wife. For Jesus said,

“When they rise from the dead, they neither marry nor are given in marriage, but are like angels in heaven”. There is no human marriage after death. The shadow of covenant-keeping between husband and wife gives way to the reality of covenant-keeping between Christ and his glorified Church. Nothing is lost. The music of every pleasure is transposed into an infinitely higher key. (Piper pg 14)

 

So, since there is no marriage in heaven…we will be like the angels... what will there be between you and your spouse in heaven?

 

IS “THIS” ALL OVER???

 

How does one believe that we will become a different person with different minds and memories when we leave this body and are present with Christ? 

 

How can we become someone different? A different conscious being than what we are now?

 

Can I somehow in a hazy, hazy future reality, be reprogrammed to become another being where all my memories will be deleted, and new ones implanted. 

 

Will all my loved ones, acquaintances, children, and family members who shaped my life and shared with me every conceivable emotion, no longer be known by me? 

 

Will I somehow forget all matter of intimacies with all manner of relationships? 

 

Will I not know my son as my son, or my daughter as my daughter, my father as father and mother as mother? And will I not recognize my spouse as my spouse!? 

 

What makes you who you are? 

 

If I take your brain and transplant it into another body, will you be that other person or would you still be you? 

 

So, when you depart from your body and are present with the Lord who will you be then? You will be you – initially, without your body, but later at the resurrection of your glorified body, you will still be you in every way…except, better.

 

What makes you who you are? Your creator individually designed you with uniqueness of soul and personality. There is no one else like you- never will be- never has been...and for all eternity!  

 

It is the presence of God, His providence in your experiences, memories, relationships, pain, and sufferings, delights and hopes that continue to give you individuality and makes you a unique person. 

 

So, in relation to marriage, when you and your spouse die, what whim makes one think that the person with whom you’ve spent your life on earth would be a stranger to you or changed into another person in heaven? 

 

Everything that I have sensed and lived and tasted and seen and felt and experienced and learned in this wonderful creation of God, has formed me into who I am at this moment and will continue to the day I am with Christ.

 

How then, can none of this lifetime not matter when I am in heaven? I am in heaven enjoying Christ because of the salvific events in this life and the sanctifying hand of God that molded me into this person who I am now.

 

How does any of this just GO AWAY in heaven?

 

Everything we know about God; we have known in this life…as this person I am now.

All the promises of hope and heaven are given to me now in this life.

None of this will be lost when I am with Christ…including all my hopes and dreams that I have shared and experienced with the spouse that God has united with me now.

 

One can accept that I will not be married or given in marriage in heaven, but every good and wonderful moment and every glorious moment of heart filled companionship with my spouse will be known to me when I see my spouse in heaven. 

 

We will have an exclusive relationship while in heaven, not like any other relationship with any other saint abiding in heaven.

 

For I did not share with anyone else in heaven the things that I have shared with my spouse that I have shared in this life. I will be then who I am now, but without sin.

 

Nothing biblically prohibits one from having an exclusive relationship in heaven with the one whom you've spent and shared every dream and hope during your entire life while in the body. 

 

Our relationship with Christ will change to that which is BETTER upon our translation to glory, why will our relationship with our spouse not change to that which is BETTER when we are with Christ?  

The relationship with our spouse will not be that of marriage, it will be better than marriage.

 

Rev. 21:24-26 is a view of the heavenly city: everything truly good on earth will be found there. 

 

I think this is the clearest clue we have to the multitude of questions as to what of earthly life will be found in heaven. Whatever is truly good is preserved and brought into the city…and the New Heavens and Earth. 

 

There is another thing to ponder while we are speaking of the “one more thing” –

 

What about the one whose spouse was not saved and dies?

 

Luke 16 gives us a view unto that answer.

 

v27 “And he said, ‘Then I beg you, Father, that you send him to my father’s house—for I have five brothers--that he may warn them, lest they also come to this place of torment.’

 

For them…their only solace will be to know that you will not come here.

 

For you… Christ will wipe away all tears. He will give reason to no longer mourn. (Rev 21.4)

 

It’s time to move onto Lesson 3, now.

 

Marriage is meant for making Children…

Disciples of Christ

 

I ALWAYS start out talking about raising children with the quote from Child Evangelism Fellowship (CEF):

 

“True Evangelism begins with Children; the rest is Salvage work”.

 

“Parents are the Front-Line Evangelists in this world.” (Me)

 

“It’s time for parents to put Evangelists out of Business!” (Tongue in Cheek, Me)

 

And I ALWAYS start out by emphasizing that any Children’s Ministry should be a Parent’s Ministry.

 

Back to Piper: This purpose of marriage is not merely to add more bodies to the planet. The point is to increase the number of followers of Jesus on the planet. 

No One is left out! Even couples who cannot conceive because of infertility can still aim to make children followers of Jesus. 

 

God’s purpose in making marriage the place to have children was never merely to fill the earth with people, but to fill the earth with worshippers of the true God. 

 

One way for a marriage to fill the earth with worshippers of the true God is to procreate and bring the children up in the Lord. 

 

Where is Piper headed in this chapter?

 

First, God’s original plan in creation was for men and women to marry and have children. 

 

Gen 1.26-28; 9.1

“Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth …”

 

Hab 2.14

“For the earth will be filled with the knowledge of the glory of the LORD, As the waters cover the sea.

 

Ps 127.4-5; Mark 10.13f

 

Second, in the fallen world in which we live, not only is marrying not an absolute calling on all people, but neither is producing children in marriage an absolute calling on all couples. It is normal, good, painful, glorious—but not absolutely required of all. 

 

God said in Genesis 2:18, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.” So it sounds, at first, like marriage is always the way to go. 

 

Then the unmarried Paul says in 1 Corinthians 7:7, 26, “I wish that all were [single] as I myself am. But each has his own gift from God, one of one kind and one of another. . .. I think that in view of the present distress it is good for a person to remain as he is.” 

 

So, there are different gifts and different callings. Marriage is not absolute; neither is having children – providing we are talking about having children in wedlock.

 

Sidebar:

We are only beginning to see the sprouting bud of disaster in our country due to the decimation of this nation’s families.

Everything that makes a country a nation is under attack, particularly, the family.

 

Marriage is not absolutely for making children. But it is absolutely for making children followers of Jesus. 

 

Consider a few passages:

 

1. Mark 10:29–30

Jesus said, “Truly I say to you, there is no one who has left house or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or farms, for My sake and for the gospel’s sake, but that he shall receive a hundred times as much now in the present age, houses and brothers and sisters and mothers and children and farms, along with persecutions; and in the age to come, eternal life. 

 

Here Jesus shifts the absolute from having children biologically to having hundreds of children through the family of Christ and through spiritual influence. 

*It might include adoption. 

*It might include foster care. 

*It might include making your home a place for backyard Bible clubs. 

*It might include hospitality in a neighborhood where your home is every kid’s favorite place. 

*It might include your nursery job or your care for your nieces and nephews or the Sunday School class you teach. 

 

The point #1 is: Marriage is not absolutely for making children; but it is absolutely for making children followers of Jesus one way or the other, directly, or indirectly. 

The point #2 is: Regardless of how far along you are in raising your own children – they may be out the door, you’re never done because there are always more children all around you whose parents need your loving support.

 

Note: Rom 9.8

“That is, it is not the children of the flesh who are children of God, but the children of the promise are regarded as descendants.”

 

In other words, in God’s kingdom, the duty of bringing “children of the flesh” into being is not absolute but seeking to bring into being “children of God” is absolute. 

 

The primary, natural way of doing this is through marriage where an umbrella of authority is established over the family via the father first, then the mother.

 

And 1 Cor 4.15

“For if you were to have countless tutors in Christ, yet you would not have many fathers; for in Christ Jesus, I became your father through the gospel.”

 

Additionally, Rom 16.13

 

Third, let’s focus on what Eph 6:1–4 says about how marriage becomes the means for making children disciples of Jesus. Four observations:     (Piper pg 142+/-)

 

            First - the father has a leading responsibility in bringing the children up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. 

 

Notice v1- “Children, obey your parents.” Both. Not only father or only mother, but parents. 

 

But when the focus shifts from the duty of children to the duty of parents, the father is mentioned, not the mother. v4

 

Second- nevertheless, both mother and father are called to this together. Both are mentioned as the special object of the child’s obedience. 

v1: “Children, obey your parents [mother and father] in the Lord.” You can hear this truth in Prov 6:20–21: “My son, keep your father’s commandment, and forsake not your mother’s teaching. Bind them on your heart always; tie them around your neck.” 

 

And Paul reminded Timothy to hold fast to what his mother and grandmother had taught him as a child (2 Tim. 3:14; 1:5). So both mother and father bear responsibility in this marriage to bring the children up in the Lord, with dad having the leading responsibility. 

 

Third, it is important that mother and father be united in this effort. It is not always possible because sometimes one spouse is not a believer. In that case, you do the best you can in finding practical common ground, for example, in the way the children are disciplined. 

 

But God’s design is a united front. Both have one goal: This child is to grow up in “the discipline and instruction of the Lord”—grounded and shaped and permeated by the Lord, aiming to honor the Lord. God does not design that we be divided on this. 

 

The children need one united front coming from mom and dad. Don’t confuse the children. Work through your differences of what to teach and how and when to discipline, and then stand united before the children. Don’t let the children manipulate you against each other. Make that a hopeless ploy. God is one. Let parents be one. 

 

Fourth observation. The most fundamental task of a mother and father is to show God to the children. Children know their parents before they know God. This is a huge responsibility and should cause every parent to be desperate for God-like transformation. 

 

 

The children will have years of exposure to what the universe is like before they know there is a universe. They will experience the kind of authority there is in the universe and the kind of justicethere is in the universe and the kind of love there is in the universe before they meet the God of authority and justice and love who created and rules the universe. Children are absorbing from dad his strength and leadership and protection and justice and love; and they are absorbing from mom her care and nurture and warmth and intimacy and justice and love— and, of course, all these overlap. 

 

And all this is happening before the child knows anything about God, but it is profoundly all about God. Will the child be able to recognize God for who He really is in His authority and love and justice because mom and dad have together shown the child what God is like? 

 

The chief task of parenting is…

 

*to know God for who he is in his many attributes—especially as he has revealed himself in the person of Jesus and His cross—and then…

*to live in such a way with our children that we help them see and know this multi-faceted God.

*And, of course, that will involve directing them always to the infallible portrait of God in the Bible. 

 

HOW Do we do this with our Children??

 

Deut 6.5-9

And you shall love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might.

“And these words, which I am commanding you today, shall be on your heart;

and you shall teach them diligently to your sons and shall talk of them when you sit in your house and when you walk by the way and when you lie down and when you rise up.

“And you shall bind them as a sign on your hand and they shall be as frontals on your forehead.

“And you shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.”

 

And “HOW” do we do this without provoking anger?

Piper pgs 149-154

The “Skinny” of it is…pg 152

We are infinitely loved by God in Christ. So, fathers, imitate your heavenly Father. Eph 5.1

Some hints on “How not to provoke your children to anger…

 

DADS OUGHT TO GET CAUGHT….

 

DADS ought to get caught … being more excited about Christ than any other excursion or endeavor in their life. Why?

 

When your children picture their dads face, they should see no greater joy in it than when he is absorbed in things of God. Why?

 

DADS ought to get caught…

Sharing Christ with their colleagues, neighbors, strangers, family, friends. Why?

 

DADS ought to get caught … scheduling or rescheduling every “Lords Day” and family event so that they will find themselves in their church or in “A” church on Sunday. Why?

 

If one cannot answer the question, “Why?”, then one has a lot of work to do.

 

EVERYTHING is related to God. Good things and bad things. Be sure to even it out. 

Don’t just point out the sinfulness, but delight in the blessings. 

Attribute more good things to God than bad things to man.

Work toward an unbalance of wonder and awe over woe and mourning.

 

Teach them that the only things worth living for are the things Christ died for…

“Are all my pursuits and endeavors going to stretch their way onto eternities shores?” “Will this bring eternal weight and bearing?”

 

Be prepared to transition every word, thought, deed to how it relates to our relationship with God and to His handiwork in this world.

 

Col 3:17 And whatever you do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks through Him to God the Father.

 

Explore Why there are different tastes, colors, textures, temperatures – get into science, literature and liberal arts. Don’t let them obsess with devices, computers, and TV.

Whenever possible, do not let them be alone with the internet. Face every computer toward your direction.

Every thought and experience is a future action. 

 

Do not spend more thought and time preparing dinner for this evening than we do preparing our children for their future.

 

Manage (not control) and filter everything that goes into their eyes and ears. 

There is NO such thing as entertainment – everything is education. Do not let movies, shows, and TV babysit your children. Manage them (not control) in such a way that they don’t feel your grip on them; for when your grip is off of them, they will run. 

 

Lead them. And, be prepared to lead them gradually from a further distance over time. Prepare them to make wise, Bible-based, Christ-centered decisions now before they stand on their own.

 

Press them to be engaged in this world, 

to always be appalled at sin, 

to recognize and to be opposed to the spirit of the age. 

It is always wrong to dismiss sin in the world.

Teach them the nauseous effect of sin. 

Never get use to it. 

Never sit down next to it. 

Never invite it home with you. 

Never give it a place to take root.

What is NORMAL is what is RIGHTEOUS.

 

Parents GUARD YOUR HEARTS!!!!

 

Parents can only lead their children as close to the Lord as they themselves are.

 

There is some truth to the old saying, (GI-GO)

“Garbage In – Garbage Out”…

 

but deeper is “that which goes in, is only feeding that which is already there”. 

The ingesting of filth is not what causes filth to exit the heart – rather, the heart of filth seeks its weight of filth to ingest.

 

First, it is not bad things that come into the eye that defiles heart, it is a defiled heart that seeks the bad things to ingest. 

The heart seeks its own kind.

 

Matt 15. 10-19

11 “Not what enters into the mouth defiles the man, but what proceeds out of the mouth, this defiles the man.” …

17 “Do you not understand that everything that goes into the mouth passes into the stomach, and is eliminated?

 18 “But the things that proceed out of the mouth come from the heart, and those defile the man.

 19 “For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murders, adulteries, fornications, thefts, false witness, slanders.

 

Prov 18:1-3 He who separates himself seeks his own desire, He quarrels against all sound wisdom…A fool does not delight in understanding, But only in revealing his own mind.

 

Eph 5.3 But do not let immorality or any impurity or greed even be named among you, as is proper among saints;

(Saints do not embrace or ingest impurity, rather…)

5.11 - And do not participate in the unfruitful deeds of darkness, but instead even expose them;

 

Filth exists because a filthy heart created it. And the filthy heart seeks its fill of it.

 

When you notice your own vices in your children 

the fire alarm should have been pulled yesterday.

 

The flames are already consuming.

 

Pr 22:6 Train up a child in the way he should go, even when he is old he will not depart from it.

 

It starts at INFANCY!

 

Root out rebellion and disobedience and instill respect for authority as early as possible.

Have foresight – Don’t be MYOPIC…whatever you delay in attention now will come back on you tenfold later…

 

If you think it is hard now, see how hard it will be when they defy and rebel against you. 

“Pay me now or pay me later.”

Too many times we see….

 

A child out of wedlock – time in jail or a criminal record – a disease - an addiction – a suicide – homelessness – an evil, dark, depressing spirit – mental dimness (illness??) -

and everything that Romans 1 forecasts for those who perpetually deny the Truth… 

 

Watch out for the BIG THREE: the lusts of the flesh, lust of the eyes and the boastful pride of life… - I call them the “The FEEL IT, SEE IT, and BE IT sins.”

 

These things must not go unchecked and sometimes are modeled in the parents, thus enabled in the children.

 

“What the parents excuse in moderation,

the children abuse in excess.”

(A quote from Bill Gothard when Gothard was safe to heed)

It may not be anything “BAD”, or anything on the “official bad boy list”, but it may be no flame for the Lord – a worldly approach to life and a fleshly response to circumstances…and worse, no fruit of salvation.

 

If a child doesn’t see the vibrancy and vitality of a victorious Christian life in the parents, and the parents have flagged themselves as Christians, where then will the child turn when he faces the first pivotal crisis in his life? 

 

The parents have nothing to offer, and they claimed Christ, where does he turn? He turns to whatever the world tells him he must be to fit in, or to win through this crisis. The world offers the latest Zeitgeist, and the bait is set.

 

He gets through, no matter what, and then what has he learned? This was good enough.  Later, another crisis – someone says, “Jesus”, and he said, “Tried that, seen that, no good, no power, no fun, not real – my way worked last time, and it will again.”

 

How much attention should your children be given? 

 

As much as they want. 

 

If you are asking yourself if you should be home engaging your children more, the answer is, “yes”.

 

Parents, particularly fathers, be careful as to what hobbies and interests you select for yourself. 

 

Hobbies and interests in that which your family cannot participate are particularly self-centered and demonstrate little passion for eternal rewards.

Your children need to see you in every aspect of life.

 

Fathers, your children will be treated unjustly. Teach them in your own life and in a godly manner, how to suffer unrighteous treatment.

 

What happens when we as parents blow it?

Ask forgiveness from your children (in all sincerity), teaching them how to humble themselves and ask for forgiveness. 

 

They will blow it too. Teach them how to recover and to not be repetitive in their sinful hearts.

 

Finally, God has ordained that both mother and father be involved in raising the children because they are husband and wife before they are mother and father. And what they are as husband and wife is where God wants children to be: 

 

As husband and wife, you are a drama of the covenant-keeping love between Christ and the church. 

 

That is where God wants children to be. His design is that children grow up watching Christ love the church and watching the church delight in following Christ. His design is that the beauty and strength and wisdom of this covenant relationship be absorbed by the children from the time they are born.  They learn this in the spoken and unspoken embraces of husband and wife and then mom and dad.

 

THE MAIN MEANING SERVES THE
 SECONDARY MEANING


So, what turns out is that the deepest meaning of marriage—displaying the covenant love between Christ and the church—is underneath this other meaning of marriage—making children disciples of Jesus. It is all woven together. Good marriages make good places for children to grow up and see the glory of Christ’s covenant-keeping love. 

 

May the Lord give us a united focus on what really matters in marriage: 

husbands and wives loving like Christ and the church, and the children seeing it, and by God’s grace, loving what they see.