MARRYING A MAN OF GOD “To my Daughter”
MARRYING A MAN OF GOD
“To my Daughter”
INRODUCTION
What I best can tell you has to do with the glory of God even beyond what I wish for you. Try to displace the thought that you have designs on any specific guy and let us talk principle. Let us consider there is no boy in the picture so that there will be nothing inflammatory about our discussion. It is the glory of God that we seek, both in our life and in our prospects for marriage.
WE SEEK THE WAY THINGS OUGHT TO BE WITH GOD, NOT THE WAY THINGS ARE IN THE WORLD.
Marriage WILL end or begin a richer journey with Christ. Now is not the time to play around. Beyond your salvation, this is the gravest issue with which you will ever grapple. Remember, “no practice rounds” with this decision. The prospects of marriage are sobering, not soppy. Marriage is not an old fashioned Disney Tale.
If, over time, you are convinced that a move toward a particular guy is in the design and will of God, then you better not hold back. If you determine that you have no ministry in life without him then march to it. But, if you marry a man of whom you know better, then your vibrancy with God will be marginalized and your light will grow dim. All your days will be as dragging an anchor. Do not be enslaved to a desire for something that God has not given you. You must not presume on the grace of God to fix your intentional disregard of His timing and His providence.
If you determine over time that the Lord is not leading you to marry a particular man that you have been "dating", then thank God for him and whatever richness he has brought into your life by his acquaintance and pray for him and his future wife. Do not disdain him. You are not saying, “No” to him as much as you are saying, “Yes” to someone else yet to come. Do not defraud him; rather defend him for his future wife and the ministry into which God will bring him.
No matter whom you marry, you will have days of delight and days of struggle. There will come days when you may ask, “What have I done?” And, without the rock-hard confidence that you entered into this marriage with the full blessing and assurance of God, life will be hard. You are two sinners joined together – what would you expect? You should be able to expect at least one thing, that he will continue to turn to God for his strength to be a godly man and to honor and love you and he should expect from you to do the same in loving and respecting him. There will be days of bliss and times of misgiving; but it was at the altar where you were to have ended all doubt. There is no turning around after that.
Now, I take the chance here to be misunderstood. I do not want what I say to be a haunt in the back of your mind that you may have entered into a marriage with a man who perhaps you should have taken more deliberation. I do not want anything I say to come back to you after you marry. The man you marry IS your husband, forever. I am behind you 100% from that moment on. There should be no haunting thought in your mind that floats any doubt that he is the wrong one. Now is the only time to exert your discretionary freedoms.
After the wedding, all your energies are to build the marriage into that which you have embarked. No more doubts. No more haunts. No more hesitations or wonderings if you had done the right thing with the right person. The search is over and a new life has begun.
In all our life in Christ we are “to walk by faith, not by sight” (2 Cor 5.7), except one time in life!
The only time that I could ever imagine that we walk by sight is at that moment that the pastor says, “I now pronounce you, ‘Man and Wife”.
It is at that second that all your “Journeying” by faith - wondering if this man WILL BE the right man for you of which you have prayed for all your life – BECOMES the right man for which you have prayed for all your life.
Read carefully, though, only for that brief second during the pronouncement of “Man and Wife” is this moment by sight, for at the next breath you take, you will be taking it in Faith, again, in a new Journey as a married woman to this man for life.
It is at the passing of this moment from then on, that you will KNOW that this is the man who will be your husband. There is no turning back at this point until death do you part. This is a union brought about by Covenant. Covenants are completed by a death of one of those in the union. It is the ONLY way to approach marriage for eternal significance and security.
PART I
I do not want to underestimate the grace and power of God in one who has been redeemed; nor, do I want to estimate someone else based on my personal experience. If I did such a thing, then I would be guilty of superficiality and of the very things I would hope for you to avoid.
We don’t look down our nose at anyone who has struggled in sin and then has come to Christ. We rejoice with heaven. We know that we exist under the same undeserved grace of God as anyone else. We know that there was no glimmer in us that caught God’s eye and caused him to favor us above anyone else. No one needs to remind us of the death and hollowness without God and from what He has saved us. It is utter foolishness to think we are deserving of anything but a barren life and an eternity in hell. He spilled His blood for us. He died for us. We have no right to think of ourselves better than another sinner saved by grace.
Eph 4.32 “And be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.”
In fact, the one saved from greater sin may be the one with the greater love:
Lu 7:47 “For this reason I say to you, her sins, which are many, have been forgiven, for she loved much; but he who is forgiven little, loves little.”
Further, it may be through that very one whom God changes the direction of the world. It may be that very one He uses to spark the flame of revival in this drought land. When God is at work, stand back and give way.
Who are we to hold one’s past against them when God has forgiven us? The entire body of Christ is made of sinners, including me!
1Cor 6.11 “And such were some of you; but you were washed, but you were sanctified, but you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ, and in the Spirit of our God.”
So, I speak of a new redeemed life that has been plucked from the salvage yard - a life that has ascended in a culture apart from heaven. This new person is the product of an old mind that has been shaped by a worldview that is hostile toward God. And now, this new life is a redeemed person turning from an old life, putting on Christ, and maneuvering out of a plot of physical woes and family ties that are as present as they ever were. Physical woes don’t go away and family ties cannot be forgotten. One may say, “I am a new creature in Christ, old things have passed and behold all things have become new.”
A strange creature we are when we are saved. We are always saved from something unto something else. We are saved from what we once were – from how we once lived. We are new creatures.
The difficulty lies in the fact that at the very moment after conversion, we are still what we have become over the years. The instant after conversion begins the miracle of transformation.
From that moment on comes the sanctifying work of the Holy Spirit until the day we enter glory. We were once dead in our sins and to some degree, our sins were gratifying. Our only regret for sin was when we faced the consequences of those sins. This “new creature-hood” has now made us regret our sin, regardless of the consequences. We are alive to God and know what it is to now grieve and quench the Holy Spirit. Becoming saved from a life of sin is not the end of struggles, but just the beginning.
There is no room for arrogance in our heart when we see a person who has had a “tough life” and then is saved; however, there is a difference in how we interact with any other new Christian than with a Christian with whom we’d like to marry. Just because someone is saved, does not mean we disregard his history. His history does matter. It isn’t condescension to use your scruples before you join your life forever with a man who comes from a previous life that chiseled who he is today. This is not judgmental, it is discernment and it is seeking God’s wisdom toward an eternal decision. You must ask, “Who was he and then, who is he?” You will be identified with him and you will be one with him. You will inherit all that he is – his problems will be yours. Most of those problems will not come to light until the vows are exchanged and the pronouncement is made. You will carry his burdens (more about that later). You must take a very keen eye with a decision that will change the course of your life. There is no going back. Approach this event with fear and trembling before God.
There are sweet, kind people all over the world that have come to Christ, and they present their best side for all to see. But, marriage is joining your life with his – becoming one with him; over time, you will become like him. His pains become your pains and his wounds become yours. You live with and put on his identity. Secrets are sometimes openly shared, but many are uncovered.
You’ve heard me talk about this before. Bear with me one more time as I review it in short. When you think to unite with another person forever, consider the following about them:
Just what “troubles” remain in ones life beyond redemption remains in the sovereign and providential hands of God, but the consequential ramifications of one's sin do remain.
These consequences can go generations deep. When a father (and mother) misleads his family, the effects of that misleading are often reaped in the children in countless ways, often for several generations. (Ex 20.5; Ex 34.6-7; Deut 5.9)
Whether or not this is fair is not the issue. Sin is in the world, consequences of sin affected many generations. In principle, it began with Adam…
Rom 5.12 “Therefore, just as through one man sin entered into the world, and death through sin, and so death spread to all men, because all sinned…”
But, if we contend that the woes of our family upbringing are not fair, then we must contend that the riches of heaven in our salvation is not fair, either. Why? Just as Adam represented us in his sin bringing death, Christ represented us in His righteousness bringing life. You can’t have one and not the other.
1Cor 15.22 "For as in Adam all die, so also in Christ all shall be made alive."
However, God is just. Direct punishment for the sins of the father are not hammered on the children…
Deut 24.16 "Fathers shall not be put to death for their sons, nor shall sons be put to death for their fathers; everyone shall be put to death for his own sin."
Ezek 18.20 "The person who sins will die. The son will not bear the punishment for the father’s iniquity, nor will the father bear the punishment for the son’s iniquity; the righteousness of the righteous will be upon himself, and the wickedness of the wicked will be upon himself."
BUT… the residual effects of the father’s sins forecast debilitating consequences to the children.
Further, these residual effects of which I speak are passed to the children as tides and ripples that encompass everything in life. Godless and ungodly instruction is grilled into little minds as soon as they are self-aware. Mingled and mixed with a sinful nature, the parents teach the child every way but God’s way.
These children grow and pass worse to their children and then to following generations. Subsequently, these life trends from the parents and the individual sins of the children bring to them the direct hand of Gods judgment. No one is innocent.
I grow to believe more and more that present evils in individuals are an indirect lineage from generations past. The choices one makes, the responses one has, the direction in which one gravitates, the propensities in which one swoons, all are ingrained or have been fostered from childhood. One cannot “fix” a life or wish away consequences that are rooted in history. A hand paddle can hardly change the flow of the great Mississippi River. The directional flow of an individual takes the initial act of God’s miraculous regeneration and then perpetual and powerful attention of the indwelling Spirit of God. Individuals make choices that moved their lives in a course and now from that direction they must repent. Repentance does not return the individual to the beginning of life. Repentance turns ones face in the opposite direction and then through the power of the Holy Spirit and the providences of God, he moves Godward step-by-step, little by little. All this to say, God never, never intended that we live a day without Him. Sadly, as we progress through life apart from Him, we drift further and further away from the harbor of safe return.
SO, WHY WON’T GOD GET RID OF SIN’S CONSEQUENCES ONCE WE ARE SAVED?
These consequences are a testimony of how precious we are to God. He has granted mankind great dignity. It is an exclusive gift to us above all His creation. We alone are created in His image and His likeness. It is the basis for human dignity.
Ps 100.3 "It is He that has made us and not we ourselves"
Being created in the image and likeness of God is this exceptional gift that serves as the basis for us to have a relationship with God. We are the crown of His creation. What a fearful honor it is to be created to walk with God.
It is fearful because with this distinction of honor comes ominous responsibility. He has given us the choice to worship Him, and, with this dignity, He has given us the freedom to rebel against Him. We can choose our own way and to live out from under His divine blessings and pleasure, and, we can make the choice to freely enter into a relationship with Him through the Lord Jesus Christ as the noblest gift that can be given.
And, in like turn, the dignity He grants us to not choose fellowship with Him is the greatest squandering of life in the entire universe; thus, come the consequences of spiritual drought. This dignity brings us to His throne of glory or to pit of hell.
When we do not what we ought, we are adrift on perilous seas sailing toward unavoidable shipwreck. Consequences are inevitable.
Further, His purpose is not primarily to make us happy or even to free us from consequences of our sin and to right all our wrongs; His first purpose is to glorify Himself.
1Co 6:20 For you have been bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body.
PART II
When one is redeemed, even then, the principle of sewing and reaping of sin and its consequences are still an abiding rule; however, the consequences are no longer there to reprimand us, but to remind us. They remind us from what we have been saved and they generate in us a remarkable response of praise to God.
Remember, we are speaking in principle. So, let us proceed. One may say that this guy on whom I have my eye is a new Christian. God has forgiven him, and he stands before God on the same ground that you stand. He was washed with the same blood of Christ that you were washed. He is just as endeared to God as you. How could you hold his past sins against him when God does not? But this is not the issue of which I speak. This is another whole topic. It has nothing to do with whom you will seek partnership for the rest of your life in ministry. I am not speaking of the general love that we have for people or the fellowship we have with believers in the body.
I am speaking of joining yourself with someone forever – “until death do you part”. I am speaking of a relationship with someone who plows the same ground with you through all of life. When you consider a life partner, you consider him with a fine-toothed comb.
The fact that he may be a Christian is only the beginning criteria for discerning a mate for life. There are many Christians, but not all will be your husband.
What are some other discerning factors to “narrow the field?”
There are both negative and positive considerations for “narrowing the field”.
FIRST, THE NEGATIVE CONSIDERATIONS:
Imagine a guy who is newly saved but has had sex with 1, 2, 3, 4, or more girls. Each one of these girls with whom he has had sex has had multiple partners themselves. How many times can he divide himself? God designed us to be intimate with ONE person all our lives. You cannot perform the most intimate physical act with someone and then go undamaged, even if he is subsequently saved. There are emotional and physical laws that have been broken. Sin has consequences (we hit that issue earlier). Yes, wounds heal, but scars remain and are for life – saved or not, these consequences matter now. One cannot sin with impunity. There are principles with sin – there are indelible rules:
1. There are always consequences,
2. The consequences usually fall on us later, and
3. They are always more than for what we bargained.
Do not be surprised if in the future you are confronted with one or more of these women with whom he has been sexually active. He may now be a Christian, but these women may not be.
Are you prepared to deal with the re-entrance of these women from his past into your marriage? They may have an “axe to grind”. How will this affect your life – your ministry – the glory and greatness of God’s hand in your union with this man?
This is worse, these former flames may still have a kindling in their hearts for this man and may try to ignite it anew and recapture what they once had. Many lines of chastity were crossed between the two and things were left undone. Perhaps you have heard of the many marriage covenants that have be violated with something as simple as a "FaceBook" re-acquaintance.
Hos 8:7 For they sow the wind, And they reap the whirlwind.
Additionally, we live in an age where if a guy has sex with a girl and she becomes pregnant, she simply has an abortion. Even though he may now be a Christian, “it will always be there”. It will be a complexity throughout life, and he will always carry that horrendous event deep down in his heart. And, if he doesn’t regret his act, then his heart is sick, and his future is dark. Are you willing to become one with a guy who placed a girl in this position? He executed an act that launched an eternal and devastating effect. The events were set into motion that will have reverberations for generations to come. What if the girl with whom he fathered a child did not have an abortion, as a woman who has married this man, one day you may have to come face to face with this woman and her child. He has a bond with another woman that will not go away and one with which you must share.
Not only does this man face the threat of emotional scars and difficulties with past relationships, but he may also bring to your marriage a sexually contracted disease. You know that is very likely. It doesn’t matter how Christ-like one may become after salvation, if he has a disease, it cannot be washed away as were his sins. Ask your mom about someone we knew who couldn’t even wear her underwear when her sores were present. It was too painful. If you marry a guy who has an STD, you will get it, too.
Imagine a man who grew up in a godless family. When I say “godless”, I do not mean “ungodly”. A godless home just means a home where the true God is not present or is circumferential at best. Little to no consideration is given to God in any conduct of life. But note - something always takes the place of God, even in a godless home. There is superstition, weird religious notions, humanism, half-breeds and “morphisms” of multiple religions, and man-made concoctions. We are “hard-wired” for religion. No one escapes the vacuum in the heart that God created for Him alone to fill. And now, imagine in all the glories of heaven, this man comes to Christ.
Praise God, but all those twisted fancies must be undone. Truth must be consumed and digested with the greatest intensity. He must now think in straight lines. When a mind escapes the tyranny of lies, it must unravel with time. The Holy Spirit must wash with the Word all that his family has imparted throughout his most susceptible years. The washing is like the washing of water against oil (Eph 5.26). Cutting through grease with water takes time. Jesus knew that the time for godly training is when an individual is a child. Great headwinds await an adult who comes to Christ.
Pr 22:6 Train up a child in the way he should go, Even when he is old he will not depart from it.
And not only are there godless homes as aforementioned, but there are ungodly homes. Need we go into that?
Imagine that there is a guy who comes to Christ from whether a godless or ungodly home; you are marrying that whole family, too. There WILL be contention and animosity. There will be war, maybe not at first, but it will come as sure as the day.
Your new husband will have to break ties. He must “leave” them and “cleave” to you. Such is a biblical mandate.
Lu 14:26 “If anyone comes to Me, and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be My disciple.
You will be the intruder to them and the fool who is sustaining this foolishness in their son. You will be minimalized. Yes, they are a mission field, but more a minefield. They may come to Christ, but most likely not. You don’t marry a man to witness to his family. You can do that without joining yourself to a league against God.
Imagine again, that there is a guy who comes to Christ from a godless home where his parents are divorced. You will face times in your marriage where it will seem easier to separate than to work through your troubles.
What advice will his divorced parents give their son? Do they expect his marriage to last? Can he truly abandon his parents and disregard their example? It is possible, but it weighs against him. He will bring his experiences from his home into your new home. He will watch and listen for signs to take place in his marriage that took place in his parents. He may expect the same infidelity or cruelty in you that he saw in his parents.
He will be more predisposed to divorce than he will be to pushing through. It is all he knows. He is a Christian but has no experience or history of a Christ-like home. (The stats today are that there are as many Christians divorcing as those in the world). Every day of working through issues with you will be brand new to him. He has never seen forgiveness and long-suffering in his home. He has never seen enduring love between his parents. Nothing of godly heritage was ever modeled for him to see. A Christian marriage is a new horizon for him, and a Christian marriage is not the same as being a Christian alone. Marriage demands everything that you are and tests you to every breaking point. Getting married doesn’t fix anything. It is not a dream world. Few remain married today and even fewer have ever witnessed a marriage founded in Christ. In fact, a vibrant Christian marriage that has lasted for years may be as rare as a unicorn in the park.
I don't mean to frighten you. But it is in marriage that we see the very best of life because we are most in need of our Lord's mercy and grace. Marriage is not natural...it is SUPERNATURAL. And the rewards are glorious in this life and eternal in the next. We are infused with the greatest of God's enabling for the richest of God's indwelling power. The blessings of married life is worth far more than than one's imagination can reach.
Imagine that there is a man who is a new Christian, whose past is questionable and even a mystery, who carries with him the scars from a land of unknown iniquities, whose parents have provided a godless, broken home, in which he has dwelt most of his life. Are you ready to enter a life-long, forever bond with this man? Will this union glorify God to the fullest? Will you live and breathe maximally for the glory of God in this union? Marriage is not about you – marriage is about God.
Now, I said I’d address the issue of carrying the burdens of the guy you fancy. I mentioned above that most of those problems would not come to light until the vows are exchanged and the pronouncement is made. You can nearly see it coming when you consider all of the “imagines” that I wrote about above. Read the following carefully.
The demonstration of God’s love to mankind is a demonstration of His sacrifice. This demonstration is His masculine trait. Don’t misunderstand; God is not male or female. He has portrayed Himself as masculine. This translates into our marriage relationship. But, prior to marriage, we sense an initial draw to protect and to provide. The husband’s masculinity is demonstrated in this love and sacrifice for his wife.
Eph 5.23,25-27 “For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body…Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her; that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she should be holy and blameless.”
There is just something in a man that draws him to a woman that “needs” him. It seems the more she hurts, the more he wants to protect and provide for her. He wants to fix it. It is the masculine trait in men. He can’t help but to want to “fill her gap”. It is built into a man to want to LOVE a woman. You know this LOVE. It is a God sized love – giving, sacrificial, enduring and life-spilling.
My question to you as a young woman entering a union with a man who is mandated by God to love YOU, what history is built into this individual who is now supposed to be like Christ to you? Is his life free of circumstantial and consequential sins so that he can now be fully obedient to this command from God on your behalf?
Can he wash you with the Word and present you spotless when his past life is bogged down with a sinful history that rolls over into his Christian life? He may have been forgiven the eternal judgment of his sins, but he carries into your marriage the battered effects of what he has done. God does not undo the consequences of our past as though all of life has been a “freebie”.
It is nearly inevitable that the wife will supplant the husband at his role. For one thing, there is an unpleasant aspect from the original fall in the Garden of Eden when God cursed Eve.
Genesis 3:16 says, “… Yet your desire shall be for your husband, and he shall rule over you.”
This “desire” means to “run over”, or to “rule over”. It is a curse. Without strong, godly leadership from the husband, the wife will struggle with insubordination. She will be driven to rule.
In addition to this curse of insubordination, the woman has an innate desire to nurture and to mother. Attention is unduly spent nurturing and carrying her husband than is naturally expected in a healthy marriage. She will face a conflict of sorts to nurture him from his battered past yet fight from taking leadership from him due to his inadequate headship over her. What a complicated situation.
Imagine such an inverted relationship in the body of Christ where the church instead of Christ is the strength in the union. Imagine a perverse role where Christ needed believers and would fail were it not for the church to support their “Lord”. Since when does the body lead the head?
A word of dire warning - do not confuse this innate drawing of your feminine traits with the leading of the Holy Spirit to determine Gods mind in the matter of choosing a spouse. Emotions and nature have a near irresistible pull to unite with a man who carries the consequences of sin’s former tyranny. Your sense of nurture will inspire you to carry him. It need not be.
If God gives him to you to carry, then He will give you the capacity, but do not think of it as a badge of honor to weigh down your saddle with more than God intended. Remember how it is supposed to be. We desire things to be the way ought to be, not the way they are in the world.
As a godly wife, enwrap your life around him and unite into his ministry for God; BUT how can you do this, when his life is fouled with by multiple spinouts and start-overs. Your dreams for an exciting life in the Lord’s work will be gnarled in the downward spiraling effects of a man who needs to be tugged along life’s way.
Our culture has done a great disservice to us. The biblical model has the parents in great assist with the choice of the sons and daughter’s mate. It is an entire family process based on the history and knowledge of all the families known to each side. It is a combination of family units that have a fear of God and who can trace the history of each family back many generations. Such a process and familiarity of heritage leave few surprises after the alter.
NOW THE POSITIVE CONSIDERATIONS:
It is not unloving or selfish to pray for a future husband that has a godly heritage and legacy. Can you imagine marrying a man whose greatest struggles have been to be godlier? Alas, we have moved into an age where the greatest struggle people have is to recover from the circumstances of a life without God. We die licking our wounds. Life is spent retracing and reliving our old patterns that have worn deep grooves in our past. They have become besetting sins. In fact, the past decisions, in some ways, become our future grievances.
Would it not be the delight of life to wed a man whose past is his adorning graces, not his hidden turpitudes?
It is not unloving or selfish to dream of a man of God who has lived a righteous life from his earliest memories – a man whose greatest struggles in life have been to deny ungodliness and to live righteously in this present age (Titus 2.12).
It is not unloving or selfish to desire to marry a man who has had all the pearls of wisdom not only embedded in his heart from godly parents, but one who has also seen his parents live out the very truths that they have told him. Would it not be a magnificent wonder for you to have a father and mother-in-law that will encourage their beloved son in his marriage to you; to be a daughter-in-law in a godly legacy that will carry the next generation to a lost world. This is God’s ideal way. It should not be the exception. If this is not true, then it is we who have decided to live less than His ideal.
It is not unloving or selfish to aim to marry a ministry mate above a mate who needs ministry. I am not saying that your potential mate needs to be perfect – good grief! You know better than that. I’m saying marry a man with the prospect that he will compliment your ministry. Once you are married, then, let him become your ministry – nourish and support him that his overflow will enhance the Kingdom of God. There will be mutual edification that supports a greater endeavor for the glory of God. Your lives together will double the impact in this world for Christ. You will be his helpmeet in furthering the gospel and serving Christ. You both are swept away in the things of God and then you notice that you are side-by-side in all your desires. He will pick you up when you are down and you, likewise.
Your passion must be for Christ first, and then your passion for one another will be the outcome. Happiness is not what one seeks in marriage. The fruit of a right relationship with God is the joy you experience in your relationship with your husband.
It is not unloving or selfish to long for a man who instead carries in him a multitude of the glories of God, a mind for mission and an untethered, unencumbered life that gives him an unburdened ability to spend his life with you in a journey pursuing and furthering the gospel. Know what his calling from the Lord is. Know what his passion for life is and where he is headed.
If it were wrong to desire a man of godly bearing and heritage, then God would not have put on display in Scripture such portraits of godly men for a woman to long. Read all of Proverbs and observe the godly man. God would not have told us about the strength of Joseph, nor displayed the faith of Abraham, nor have told us about the courage of Daniel. He told us about Moses, Joshua and Gideon, about Jonathan, Elijah and the union of Aquila and Priscilla as well. Why did God reveal to us the wonder of godly men in the Bible if it were not for aspiration? Aspire to be the strength behind, beneath and beside a man who is intensely identified with the mind of God. Join a man who has been empowered and penetrated by the presence of God. Pray for the ideal and hope for the man who has been a faithful servant of Christ.
Desire a man who has been a Christian longer than he has not been a Christian. Seek the man who knows what it means to deny his sinful desires and has suffered for His sake. Stand firm for the man who has been rewarded by God for keeping purity for God’s glory. His eyes are trained to gaze upon a woman who is not his nor is he enslaved to pornography – he is free and clear. Why not long for the mate who has been waiting for God and who toils for His kingdom. Wait on this man and then serve the Lord with him. Wait for a man who has waited for you and has not given himself to any other woman as you have not given yourself to any other man. God has retained such a man for you. He is there.
Live your life that you would be a woman of God, so adorned with of mind of Christ that a man like Joseph would walk to the ends of the earth to find you.
OKAY, moving on... SEX.
How about a brief excursion in the aspect of SEX now? We’ve talked about the sexual aspect of a relationship many times.
Here is the BOTTOM LINE - You are sexually compatible with any male! What more can be said about sexual compatibility?
You have yet to really be sexually pursued. Be ready. Be anchored and don’t be swooned away. Guard your emotions. Be strong in the Lord. Recognize what is happening in you.
The sexual criteria for discerning a mate should be at the bottom of the list. Set aside the initial drawing for sex. A woman who has her head on right with God can see clearly beyond the “sex only” draw for a relationship. Don’t get me wrong, we are sexual beings, and it is a great gift from God, and it helps to keep one's mind pure, but sex is sex. A marriage that is built on sex is no marriage. Sex will get old in two weeks if that is the end goal. The focus of marriage is to display the glory of God and to build a godly posterity.
The day may come when you can’t have sex. What if either of you were to be in an accident or sex was no longer a gratifying exercise. Think of Joni Eareckson What if you were scarred or debilitated, even paralyzed? More simply, what if you were separated for a period of time? If this man is more attracted to you for your physical assets, then what will you have when you grow older and the enhancements of youth dissolve with the advancements of age?
If sex or physical attraction is his draw (or even a pivotal factor), then your marriage is at considerable risk. Imagine a marriage without sex. Would your marriage remain? Would it remain strong? Whatever is left without sex is your real marriage.
What are some worrying signs that might indicate that your relationship is more sensual than spiritual? Be watchful now to observe his modesty. Notice if he expects sexual gratis from you. How does he dress around you – how about in public? How does he expect you to dress? Does he use his words to stir you emotionally? Does he use conversational tactics with you to maneuver into a physical relationship? Does he maneuver or manipulate your circumstances to be alone? Does he make statements or clichés that have secondary meanings? Are you more sexually aroused with him than you are spiritually challenged? What do his eyes tell you? Is he protecting you from intimacy beyond your level of commitment? What is your purpose and goal just prior to being with him? Are there determinative physical limits that you both have set? If you “went too far” with him, would you be embarrassed, or would you feel betrayed – would he be surprised or satisfied and encouraged? Do his friends hint at any eagerness on his part to be with you? Has he talked with your friends to hint that you should be a little more aggressive with him? Be alert to these things and run from him if you suspect his motives are not pure.
Be sure that what draws you to a person is what draws you to God. The inverse is true as well. If your lives are not independently related to God, then they will not be regenerative to one another.
Take your time; know the mind and heart of God. Know the heart and mind of the guy. Know his history and recognize what you must bear with him. Determine that the struggles you have with the one you will marry will be the struggles that further the gospel, not the struggles that sputter in sins past follies.
Let me connect the dots of what I’ve been saying in a sentence or two. Just how willing are you to enter a marriage with another person who suffers more greatly with the residual ramifications of past sins than with a person who has walked with God and suffers little from the remorse of a sinful past? Do not volunteer to inherit the valley of liabilities in the life of another person when you can share in the delights of a man that is rich with the blessings of God and who has lived before Him in anticipation for a woman of God. Look for a man who is so caught up in the things of God that he must stop to consider if you are a hindrance or help in his pursuit of God.
CONCLUSION
Romans 8.32
THE HARD THING:
"He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him over for us all"
THE EASY THING:
"How will He not also with Him freely give us all things?"
For the Lord God is a sun and shield; The Lord gives grace and glory; No good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly. (Ps 84.11)
I could go on forever. I pray that this whole address to you has been an impact statement that will hit a home run for you. You must walk by faith in this matter. You must hear the call of God and protect your nearness to Him. Be in pursuit of His pleasure and fight for holiness of life. Wait on Him. Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.
The marriage covenant is not a magic barrier against divorce, rather, a finish line in the future. Daily, I’m one step closer till death do us part, but each day is a day of a wonderful journey to reach it. No magic, just hard, self-sacrificing care for a daily reward most magnificent.
These are two wonderful short YouTube clips that will encourage you further:
1. Marriage for the Glory of God
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZACkRe_W4Gg&t=4s
2. The Most Ultimate Meaning in Marriage
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vEdH-9mo0IE
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