HAPPILY DIVORCED? REALLY?
HAPPILY DIVORCED?
I’ve never fallen for the old saying, “I’m Happily Divorced!”. Every time I encountered someone who said that, I'd challenge them…”No you’re not”. They’ve always paused and responded, “You’re right, I’m not”.
This paper does not address married couples that are very giddy about a divorce and who are already on the fast track for remarriage, or “free love”, even while their current marriage is still binding.
Neither does this paper address a couple that portrays no demonstrative remorse for the demise of their covenant; nor, a couple that displays a disconnect to the gravity of their circumstances.
This paper is addressed to a couple or to its individuals that possesses a growing keenness of the rip-current in their souls that bottoms out in the deep void of a vast wasteland that no one can comprehend. All is not hopeless; the resolution to their marriage woes lies in the redemption of their heart and soul. Yes, this paper is directed to a man or woman who have come to grips with their desperate estate.
This paper addresses the couple that recognizes their destructive path and readily acknowledges that something indeed has gone wrong. They confess that this river of despair is far deeper than they alone can tread. They may not yet be persuaded that it was they who walked down this road of disintegration by their own means but may be willing to hear a word of the insolubleness of marriage.
Perhaps they will see that a marriage is a refuge, not a refuse. It is a refuge under which God provides a forever-bond that shelters and protects a man and woman from wandering through a labyrinth of swirling emotions and spiraling affairs. It is a God-ordained Institution that produces the next generation from cradle to cradle and preserves a culture to children and grandchildren and onward beyond the horizon. It is a providence that enables a man and woman to comprehend more clearly His divine presence and infinite graces so freely lavished in a union with Him.
A married couple going through the throes of a painful union wants instant reconciliation, justice, or some action that reverses their current marital condition. Often, a dying marital relationship must turn to recover in the same manner in which its life was lost, step-by-step in the opposite direction, day-by-day. But when a couple surrenders to Christ, they will find the opposite direction to reconstructing their marriage is more easily had than the forward march to the dissolution of their marriage. They will have a change of heart and realize that the pain of being together through the end is less than the pain of killing their present union. They will soon find the exit from the graveyard of broken lives and begin a new journey in union together with Christ.
For those considering a divorce, the decision to marry the spouse to whom they are now wed was a decision made without the clarity and gravity it deserved. More or less, we want micro solutions for mega issues, and we want shortcuts and elevators uphill to a mountaintop. We presently act as though past decisions are of no current relevance or bearing. Nothing done in a marriage can ever be undone, regardless of what a divorce decree may litigate. The wedding bound two individuals into one and the marriage grew one life from the two. Marriage is not a secular event. Marriage was designed and contemplated in the mind of God. It is God Who joined the two into one flesh. Mankind was created in His image. Marriage relates us to one another and to God. It doesn’t matter whether one “believes” in God or not - life and marriage is of God. Whether one agrees or not, this is gapless logic. There will be a day when everyone will give account to Him and there will be no denying this fact.
The downward destructive relationship for each individual that was repressed in marriage will only heighten in separation. Whatever the nature for destruction that LIVED between the partners, will only THRIVE when divorce has replaced the marriage. The marriage was not a dissolute union; rather, the union was a marriage destitute of God.
It is not judgmental or cruel to resist the option of a divorce between two people, rather the resistance to divorce is a compliant yielding to the will of God as we hold the Highest Regard for His Institution of Marriage. It is more important to retain this high view of marriage than to compromise its lifelong covenant for selfish pursuits.
When we understand that all of life is all about God, then we will live our life all out for Him with all out intensity and in the pleasure of His will.
Regardless of what a writ of divorce may decree, there is still a relationship between the two – it has not ended but only changed. As weeds in a garden that have subtly consumed the beauty therein, so has the lie of divorce so confused the truth of independence.
A hundred times have we heard that the two are now better off as friends and things have never been better. The couple convinces themselves that they can be friends after divorce and somehow life for the two will be better apart than life together.
One must understand that no matter how convulsive a marriage may become, it is not the will of God that any should divorce. We are too concerned about the present condition of our marriage, and we rage uncontrollably when questioned about our right to be happy or to not be condemned to stay with the other rather than be concerned about how we never obeyed the will of God with all our intensity at the onset of our relationship long before the altar.
It was never God’s will that we should be joined in marriage without being joined with Him first. Our uniting with our Creator is preliminary to our uniting in marriage. When we are “right” with Him in the beginning, we will reciprocally be right with one another. Principally, a bad start leads to a bad journey and, sadly, a dismal end.
A divorce attempts to “restore” the two to individuality but will only rip apart one “life” into two broken lives; both persons are now torn and scarred and neither will ever be intact as before. No one can just start over again. There are no “re-dos” without ramifications. Every union that a divorce may end begins permanent and indelible chasms. As the expert rifleman may warn, “There are no practice rounds in life”.
It has been said by many people, “I married the wrong person”. Not True.
No one married the wrong person. If it were true that any one person married the wrong person, then it must be said that a timeless and worldwide chain of events has been created to where everyone married the wrong person...
“If you married the wrong person, then that means you married someone else's spouse, thus, another person married your spouse, then, who married that person’s spouse?”
It could go forever.
The logic is not valid.
So, how does one know whom to marry? It is the one you marry that is the Will of God. If we are “doing” God’s will, then we will live in God’s will.
The individuals who are moving toward marriage and are doing God’s will, most certainly will marry in God’s will. They may have all the confidence of God’s presence and pleasure in faith up until they are pronounced, “Man and Wife”. Then, at that very moment, their faith becomes sight, and they know that they have married their partner for life. Said another way, they may be 90% sure of their future partnership in marriage and 10% in confidence of faith, but when they are pronounced “man and wife”, they are 100% certain. At that moment, they enter back into a journey of faith, but as one person. Perhaps at some point in that journey as “one person/flesh”, they began to think of their spouse as “another person”, they have begun a drift that needs foundational maintenance. We should always be prepared for the inevitable drift that comes to mankind. Isaiah said, “All we like sheep have gone astray, everyone has gone his own way.” (Isa 53.6)
This is a principle true in the marriage union as much as it is true in our relationship with God.
God shows mankind such great dignity as creatures created in His image, that He permits them to make decisions that will derive great pain and personal desolation and may even cost them their very life; both in the flesh and in eternity.
A marriage that now has no present stability is a marriage that had no previous foundation. A marriage that was once solid but losing its stability, is a marriage that did not continually sure up its foundation.
It was never God’s intent that anyone live a day without Him.
Addendum: A hard-hitting note to parents...
Moms and dads, and blended families, step-moms, step-dads, single moms and single dads, we know the pain of making wrong decisions that shape our future. We know how it is to live an, “If only” life:
“If only I had not…”,
“If only I would have…”, or
“If only I had done this or that…”.
For many of us, we keep going back to pick up the pieces. We are too busy trying to fix our own lives from our preceding muddles to have the energy, focus, and open passion we need to guide our children from following in our footsteps. Mending our own pain from wrong decisions gives us little stage to preclude the same mistakes that would lead our children into dark days not unlike our own past.
How can we lead them any further than we ourselves have gone? In what truth can they be persuaded when we ourselves have failed to obey what we have denied as Truth? Leonard Ravenhill has said, “Truth never becomes yours until it becomes you”.
There was a time when we would have given anything to go back and start over in our lives. “If only” we could undo that moment, or moments, or words or explosive reactions, that led to the next and to the next…had we not tasted that “Turkish Delight” and fancied more and more. Now, it has come to pass that a shadow grows on the wall. A child has struck discord in your home and what now ambles around the corner is a challenge to your authority and an abrupt end to childhood innocence. We shall soon be startled to discover that those little feet are following our old serpentine ways that were thought to be undiscoverable.
“What parents excuse in moderation, their children will abuse in excess”
And presently, our preceding sins will be realized in our children. We can “If only” ourselves to death about where our own personal decisions have taken us, but soon we will bear a burden so regretful that we would walk as dead men.
Our children will follow our steps. They will make those same mistakes. We thought that we had pretty well covered our tracks; they were only covered from our own eyes. Our children have eyes – they see.
Inevitably, a whole new category of “If only” burdens rise:
“If only I had parented better…”,
“If only I had done right before my children…”.
“If only I had loved my wife more than I loved myself…”
We have carried our own saddles for so long and now we will carry those of our children. Our daughters will come back into our homes with their fatherless children. Our sons will leave fatherless children in a hopeless world. Drugs, alcohol, sexual wantonness, gripping fears, married infidelity are all but a few dizzying expiries in which our children will be enchained. We will spend the rest of our lives bearing not only our own distresses, but also, the life crushing burdens of our children. We have lost another generation to the wind. And, so sadly, what was once a joyful journey in life for a budding family of hope and fullness for our children has become a salvage yard for broken hearts and dreams. We die inside.
*Where is there hope? Where is God? Is there some sort of divine eraser for my life? Can I start over?
There is darkness so thick that it chokes the breath from our chests. It grips the bravest warrior with waves of claustrophobic fever; but even the faintest hint of light will instantaneously snatch the eye to itself in the thickest black of night.
Better yet, God is not a mere hint of light flickering in and out of view. He is a spear and bolt of fantastic brilliance that can knock the weary soul to the knees. His presence is so bright, that darkness flees in peril. When we are drowning in alarming swells of hopelessness, He brings up from the abyss a sure and steady firmament. He is Light. He is the Solid Rock. He is the Resurrection and the Life.
De 32:4 “The Rock! His work is perfect, For all His ways are just; A God of faithfulness and without injustice, Righteous and upright is He.
2Sa 22:3 My God, my rock, in whom I take refuge; My shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold and my refuge; My savior, Thou dost save me from violence.
2Sa 22:32 “For who is God, besides the LORD? And who is a rock, besides our God?
Ps 18:2 The LORD is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, My God, my rock, in whom I take refuge; My shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.
Ps 62:7 On God my salvation and my glory rest; The rock of my strength, my refuge is in God.
John 11:25 Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life…”
John 8:12 Again therefore Jesus spoke to them, saying, “I am the light of the world; he who follows Me shall not walk in the darkness, but shall have the light of life.”
John 9:5 “… I am the light of the world.”
1Jo 1:5 And this is the message we have heard from Him and announce to you, that God is light, and in Him there is no darkness at all.
*Where do we start with God when we have lived so long without Him? We start from where we have fallen. Turn your eyes away from your bondage and toward Him and stop your striving:
Hebrews 12:1-2
“… let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.
Ps 46:10 “Cease striving and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.”
*Turn around. Repent of your own ways and save nothing of yourselves. You have seen how life on your own has led to a lonely, torturous life. Yield to your Creator and Savior, Lover and Provider of mankind.
Lu 13:3 “I tell you, no, but unless you repent, you will all likewise perish.
Ac 3:19 “Repent therefore and return, that your sins may be wiped away, in order that times of refreshing may come from the presence of the Lord;
*Be made righteous and purified, washed from your sins in His sight.
2 Cor 5.21 He made Him who knew no sin to be sin on our behalf, that we might become the righteousness of God in Him.
Philip 3:9 and may be found in Him, not having a righteousness of my own derived from the Law, but that which is through faith in Christ, the righteousness which comes from God on the basis of faith,
Col 1:13-14 For He delivered us from the domain of darkness and transferred us to the kingdom of His beloved Son, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins.
*Can I start over? Is it too late? How much of my trouble will He take away and how many consequences must I endure?
Everyone has seen God call from heaven to His beloved Israel when they needed hope from their defiant ways. We can see God’s pleading heart for His people to disembark from their rebellious way. We can see God’s redemptive promises to a people who have lost their way. We can see the promise of God’s sacrificial gift of His only begotten Son. And, we have beheld that promise at the incarnation of the Lord Jesus Christ. We remember the cross where His blood was shed for the forgiveness of our sins and a bridge to close the chasm between our Heavenly Father and us. We rejoiced when the tomb could not hold Him and death was conquered and when heaven was opened to us. Surely, in Christ, we see a sovereign God Who can shape and recover a life that we have broken. He brings to life that which is dead. He can wash away the years that have been squandered. God is the God of the lowly, the contrite, and faint of heart. He will mend and He will restore. It is to the sick that He came to heal and to the sinner who He came to forgive.
Dan 9:9 “To the Lord our God belong compassion and forgiveness, for we have rebelled against Him;
Eze 36:26 “Moreover, I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; and I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh.
Ps 34:18 The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
Ps 147:3 He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.
Joel 2:25 “Then I will make up to you for the years That the swarming locust has eaten,
Mt 26:28 for this is My blood of the covenant, which is poured out for many for forgiveness of sins.
Ro 8:32 He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him up for us all, how will He not also with Him freely give us all things? (This promise is HUGE! He has done the hard thing, saving you from the penalty and power of sin by the sacrifice of His dear Son. The easy thing is how will He not freely give all things. This includes a redeeming salve to a broken and dying marriage.)
Eph 1:7 In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of His grace,
Tit 2:14 who gave Himself for us, that He might redeem us from every lawless deed and purify for Himself a people for His own possession, zealous for good deeds.
1Pe 1:3 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who according to His great mercy has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead
But, again one might ask, from the decisions I’ve made, will this banquet of consequences remain forever?
Just what “troubles” remain in one’s life beyond redemption remains in the sovereign and providential hands of God. All ramifications of one’s sin will become an honorarium to His wonderful working power. All scars and all devastation will be a tributary to His honor. He will take the darkest blot in your life and work it to His own glory. Consequences may endure, but they will be the tools He uses to pave a new way for you and a gallery of artifacts from what you were saved. The consequences are there to be an effervescence of praise. One will say, “From this is what I was saved and will never forget.” The consequences are no longer there to reprimand us, but to remind us.
Israel left God and fell under siege at the hands of the Philistines. Many years of defeat facing the Philistines coincided with the spiritual drought in the land.
During this period of godlessness in Israel, the Philistines had defeated Israel time and again and they drew up against Israel and shook them to their core. When Israel turned to God, He miraculously saved them.
The prophet Samuel built a stone memorial and called it, “Ebenezer”. This Ebenezer was raised so that Israel would remember how God had delivered them from the Philistines, and that they might remember what life was like without Him.
1Sa 7:12 Then Samuel took a stone and set it between Mizpah and Shen, and named it Ebenezer, saying, “Thus far the LORD has helped us.”
The Consequences that remain in our life may in like manner be our Ebenezer to remember how and from what God delivered us.
Additionally, consequences are a testimony of how precious we are to God. As mentioned before, He has granted mankind great dignity. It is an exclusive gift to us above all His creation. We alone are created in His image and His likeness. It is the basis for human dignity.
Ps 100.3 "It is He that has made us and not we ourselves"
Being created in the image and likeness of God is this exceptional gift that serves as the basis for us to have a relationship with God. We are the crown of His creation. What a fearful honor it is to be created to walk with God. It is fearful because with this distinction of honor comes ominous responsibility. He has given us the choice to worship Him.
And, with this dignity comes freedom. This freedom belongs to humans alone.
He has also given us the dignity and freedom to choose our own way and to live out from under His divine blessings and pleasure. Our choice to freely enter into a relationship with Him through the Lord Jesus Christ is the noblest gift that can be given. And, in like manner, the dignity He grants us to not choose fellowship with Him is the greatest squandering of life in the entire universe; thus, come the consequences of spiritual drought and death. This dignity is not a freedom to do what we want, but the ability to do what we ought. When we do not what we ought, we are adrift on perilous seas sailing toward unavoidable shipwreck. Consequences are inevitable.
Further, His purpose is not firstly to make us happy or even to cleanse us from sin and to right our wrongs; His first purpose is to glorify Himself.
1Co 6:20 For you have been bought with a price: therefore, glorify God in your body.
Others will see the redemptive work of God in your life. They will know that God has been at work. They will taste the salt and see the light that you have become. You are His workmanship created in Christ Jesus for good works. You will be a monument to the grace and power of God.
Through you, Christ will be glorified and lifted up and others will be drawn to Him.
John 12:32 “And I, if I be lifted up from the earth, will draw all men to Myself.”
When Christ was nearing His death on the cross, His premier focus was to glorify His Father. When we come to Christ for salvation, our foremost aim should be to glorify Christ – even above the restoration of our family and the reconstruction of our lives. When in our sufferings as Christians, our chief end must be to glorify God.
John 21:19 Now this He said, signifying by what kind of death he would glorify God. And when He had spoken this, He said to him, “Follow Me!”
1Pe 4:16 but if anyone suffers as a Christian, let him not feel ashamed, but in that name let him glorify God.
All the “If Only’s” will be swept away.
It is within God’s power and desire to bring a dying family back to life, but not before the those dead in their sins are made alive.
As Jesus would beckon, “Repent and believe in the gospel”. (Mark 1.15)
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