SAYING I LOVE YOU

 SAYING, “I LOVE YOU”

Saying "I love you" may not be the most ROMANTIC thing you could say to your spouse.

Take time to read this this text from 1 Corinthians 13 about loving someone. No matter how many times you’ve read it before, please read it again. 

1 Cor 13.4-8

Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails;

Now, tell me, just what are you insinuating about the person you are to love? For the sake of simplicity, let’s make this about your spouse…though it is applicable in all our relationships, particularly in the body of Christ.

This text insinuates that in our relationships we should expect to encounter friction, opposition and sometimes, the worst of times. There are negatives to overcome in our relationships and this text alerts us to it.

Here is what it’s saying:

It is our natural inclination in our normal state to not be kind, but to be jealous, arrogant, to be unbecoming, to hold a wrong against another person and even delight in their suffering. We may refuse to bear all things they bring against us. We may refuse to hope the best from them and for them. We may even refuse to endure them. Everything could fail.

It appears that the Apostle is telling us there are a lot of negatives to overcome. See how he states that “love is NOT…”. He gives us eight things that love is NOT. He’s telling us NOT to be the way we are naturally.

It is NOT jealous. 

It does NOT brag, 

It is NOT arrogant, 

It does NOT act unbecomingly. 

It does NOT seek its own, 

It is NOT provoked, 

It does NOT take into account a wrong suffered, 

It does NOT rejoice in unrighteousness.

Now, let’s break down the text and do some mixing and matching.

Love is patient, love is kind

This means that in our natural relationship there will NOT be times of patience and kindness.

I may be telling my spouse that we will push each other to times of impatience.

I am expecting to have times when I must endure unkindness.

and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant

This means that in our natural relationship there will be jealously, bragging and arrogance. 

Paul is telling us that there will be times when we compete with one another, and we will let the other one know when we were right and when they were wrong. 

We will try to emphasize the weaknesses of the other.

We may even be poised to pounce on any hint of frailty we see in the other; we will be perched and waiting to point out the short comings in the other.

does not act unbecomingly

This means that in our natural relationship there will be times when our behavior will humiliate the other one. 

I anticipate times when you will embarrass me with your attitude and actions. You will make me want to hide my face or offer apologies to other people when we are in public. There will be times when my name is ridiculed because of your behavior.

it does not seek its own

This means that in our natural relationship there will be times when we will NOT be concerned about the well-being of the other when it competes with our own comfort. It is “Me First” in any aspect of our dealings with one another.

I am expecting you to put yourself first and foremost in our relationship. My resources will be sacrificed on your goals and ambitions. My time, energy, assets, and hopes are spent to make your happiness matter more than our time, energy, assets and hopes for our well-being. 

is not provoked

This means that in our natural relationship there will be occasions when one will incite the other to anger and a desire to lash back.

I am waiting for you to goad me to ire and to wrong me unjustly. One is trying to push the other to the limits. 

does not take into account a wrong suffered

This means that in our natural relationship the other will hold past transgressions and mistakes against the other. 

One refuses to reset an event or to forgive. They will be haunted with past deeds of which the other will just not let go.

One is keeping count of all the times that one has been offended and when the other may have faltered. 

does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth

This means that in our natural relationship we will wish the that other will “get what’s coming to them” for all the bad things they did. I will not want them to repent or recover, and I will want them to suffer for their sinful consequences. I am Jonah and they are Nineveh.

I am hoping you to feel the consequences of your hurtful ways toward me. 

I want vengeance against you. 

I am awaiting your failure.

Next the Apostle is telling us that we must press onward to Five positives that are not natural characteristics in a normal relationship. These Five Characteristics counter the Eight negatives of transgressions. The Apostle is still telling us not to be the way we are naturally.

bears all things (Having endured the previous Eight Negatives…I am told that I must continue to suffer and not give up)

This means that in our natural relationship, I will no longer be able to endure the unkindness’s, arrogances, selfishness, provocations that hit me day after day. The negatives I have had to bear far out-weigh any good.

I am anticipating times when living with you will be unbearable, and intolerable.

believes all things (Having endured the previous Eight Negatives…I am told that I must continue in faith that God is sovereign, and He will providentially work all things for good to those who love Him and are called according to His purposes)

This means that in our natural relationship, I may not see God in the shadow of death. I may not accept that God’s hand is at work, and that He is imminent and abounding with grace and mercy.

I can see times when I may not even trust the other person and that they will never change.

hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails. 

(Having endured the previous Eight Negatives…I am told that I must continue to find the better things of God in my circumstances and to seek the best in the other person when I’ve had no hope in finding any so far)

I can see that there may be times when our marriage may utterly crash. 

There may even be a time when I want our relationship to fail. I could wish that it would be over.

Good grief, how quickly can one imagine that I could live like this with my spouse? There was a time together when we swooned with a glance and walked the heights of heaven with a word. There was nothing that could stop us. The world was ours together. I felt superhuman when with them, we were the summit of each other’s life. One was the King; the other, the Queen. and we thrived in the kingdom. 

Whether we were in poverty or had plenty, we had no lack because we had each other. We would think the same thoughts, feel the same feelings, dream the same dreams. Even still, the future didn’t matter because we had each other now.

What brought us together? Was it Love? That’s what we normally call it. But it was Less, and it was More. 

It was Less in that we were compatible. She was an attractive female and he was an attractive male. We liked each other. We had the perfect combination of similarities and the perfect balance of differences. One was color and the other was flavor. One was work and the other was play. One strong when the other was feeble.

It was More in that, in the future, we were willing to sacrifice our personal differences and likes to take on the likes and difference of the other. We were willing to diminish ourselves for the flourishment of the other. It was a two-way adventure of outdoing one another to demonstrate our stake in the betterment of the other. We were building a stronghold against a day when we were not compatible. We were positioning ourselves for a possible time when we just didn’t like each other. We were investing in each other and divesting of ourselves. We were one flesh, and becoming one mind, one heart and one future.

And, then it happens. Slowly. We begin to ebb and flow in the daily grind of life. Abiding in Christ daily becomes a pastime. We begin to take for granted the compatibility of each other and expected them to accommodate our whims. We were no longer concerned about reflecting the image of Christ to our spouse but expected our spouse to reflect our image, our likes, and aspirations. I want my spouse to join me in my world and I have lost interest in joining theirs. For a thousand reasons and a hundred more, I begin to live as though my spouse is another person separate from me. No longer do I see my spouse as one with me. I have my world and they have theirs. I listen to my spouse about their world and then return to mine; having done my duty. We have drifted into a relationship of simple compatibility and come together only when our common interests intersect with our likes. 

Soon, our dislikes and incompatibilities out-weigh our likes and compatibility. My spouse becomes more of an irritant when I must yield and enter their world. We begin to long for the day when we had "the lesser" things that initially brought us together. 

What caused this?

My drifting heart caused this. I drifted from my spouse and from the dearness and closeness of Christ in whom I have my strength to overcome incompatibility and the dislikes of my spouse. I have allowed the flesh to grow and consume the unity I once had. 

Have you ever been lost? How did you get lost? One wrong turn followed by another and another. After the first turn, I could always double back and return to a familiar point, but nope, I kept on turning and drifting until nothing was familiar. 

Another analogy can be that of a garden that is so quickly overtaken by weeds. Weeds must be torn out one at a time, day by day. And the goodness of the garden must be nourished. Thinking that one can simply catch up on weeding and nourishing will soon be the loss of the entire garden.

We've allowed the things that were trifles to become tremendous.

In our relationships, we do the same thing. We drift and think we can find our way back and if we get too lost, we count on familiarity to fix our waywardness in our commitment to oneness. But soon we are too deep in the wilderness. Soon the weeds are insurmountable, and the garden is lost.

Note the fruit of the flesh and you will see how far into the wilderness you have drifted:

Galatians 5.19-21

Now the deeds of the flesh are evident, which are: immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmities, strife, jealousy, outbursts of anger, disputes, dissensions, factions, envying, drunkenness, carousing, and things like these.

It is in 1 Corinthians 13 that these deeds of the flesh are expected to be present and active. And we are warned not to be like the natural man, but to be supernatural in the Spirit.

Be it known, we cannot fix incompatibility with our spouse and the mutual dislike that grows toward the other. We cannot change our spouse. That is a work of God the Spirit. We cannot presume on the kindness of the spouse to bend to our will. The more the other refuses to yield to our will the greater our dislike for them becomes. The fact is, the further I drift from an ever-abiding nearness with my Savior the greater are the incompatibilities with my spouse. It is a spiritual law that when my vertical relationship with Christ diminishes, then my horizontal relationship and our distinct differences with my spouse will not be overcome.

We must be alert that as soon as friction in the relationship with our spouse is recognized, it is indicative of my drift from Christ. Fix the vertical, then the horizontal finds its’ supernatural foundation. Yes, I said supernatural. The love that is anticipated in First Corinthians 13 is a supernatural love. It cannot be achieved naturally. It is out of our reach.

This is when love is required. Love is not natural to us – it is supernatural. It is what disregards incompatibility and lives out to others the very presence and power of God who dwells in us. Love is what is squeezed out of us when others cause us to suffer unjustly. It is solely a God-thing. We can only last with others when compatibility is our commonality, but love takes us beyond our incompatibilities to demonstrate the love of God through us to the ones whom we least like.

Without conflict with other, there’d be no reason for love; otherwise, we would just have compatibility to keep us together. Compatibility fades. After all, we had no compatibility with God, we were His enemies, yet He loved us and gave His life for us all.

Romans 5.10-11

For if while we were enemies we were reconciled to God through the death of His Son, much more, having been reconciled, we shall be saved by His life. And not only this, but we also exult in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received the reconciliation.

Would we know the love of God were there no reason for it?

Would we know the love of God were we not His adversaries?

Would our enemies know the love of God were there no reason for it?

So, there it is. Love breaks down the wall of incompatibility and disregards whatever dislike I may have for another. Liking someone is irrelevant to bearing someone. Not liking someone is the moment when love is supposed to overtake my dislikes of the other.

“Love” and “Like” do not switch back and forth in our relationships to others. 

Love supersedes any dislikes and makes liking someone irrelevant. 

Love is not something we endure until the one we dislike changes so that I can more easily like them. 

Love does not try to change someone so that I can more easily accommodate them in my heart. When I love someone, dislike for them just goes away. When I love someone, I do not try to find something I like about them, rather I love them regardless of my dislike for them.

There is no truth to the old saying, “I may have to love you, but I don’t have to like you”. Love washes away dislike. It no longer exists. Love is the brighter light that makes the dislike I may have for someone unnoticeable. It’s like using a flashlight in the darkness of night to find a lost item. When the sun rises, I no longer need a flashlight. In fact, I can’t even see the value of the flashlight in contrast to the sun. And should I have lost the item in the noonday sun; it would never cross my mind to use a flashlight to recover it. Love is the noonday sun that washes away any effort to try to like someone that I dislike.

The world says when I don’t like someone, find some compatibility – COEXIST. 

Paul says, when I dislike someone, love them.

So, what went wrong when I can’t stand to be around my spouse or anyone for that matter?

I went wrong. 

The intensity of friction I sense with another is a direct indicator of my condition with Christ. The closer I am to Christ, the more long-suffering I have with the one I dislike. 

The more I worship Christ, the more I love as He loves. When I “like” Christ more than myself, then I begin to “like” those with whom I once disliked. This shift from “dislike” to “like” is selfless love. It is the fruit of God the Spirit in me.

Review again, the Fruit of the Spirit:

Galatians 5.22-23

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.

This is 1 Corinthians 13 in a nutshell -Bearing the Fruit of the Spirit. It is His fruit, not ours. It is supernatural.

Note the ending, against such things there is no law, there are different interpretations for this segment of the text, but I understand it to be the very present abiding Spirit of God that bears His fruit in me. It’s His fruit, not mine. It is His supernatural enabling to do the very thing that I cannot do in myself. There is no rule, law or therapy or pragmatic counseling that can cause me to be like Christ toward someone whom I dislike. It is a God-thing. It is me yielding my rights to Christ in obedience and dependence and reflecting His presence in me.

All this relates to the most important relationship we could have in this life next to Christ. I want to LIKE my spouse and when I don’t, I must LOVE my spouse; love supersedes. As I distant myself from abiding in Christ, I notice more incompatibility with my spouse. I must sacrifice myself on the Altar of Christ. Only then can I love another in whom I find the unlovely.

We are to move in the direction of selfless affection, empowered by the Holy Spirit, toward those with whom we have friction. 

Ideally, the “dislike” we have for someone is forcefully and willfully replaced with loving selflessness. It is a direct and forceful intent, and often personally painful, to set my rights aside. We could call this “love”: demonstrating to someone that you are willing to set aside your own preferences and comfort to put the best interest of those with whom you have multiple agitations. 

I have something infinitely deeper and broader with God than what I have with the person to whom I defer. My relationship and richness with Christ does not leave me with less when I yield my rights to another person in a particular matter for the sake of unity in the body of Christ…yet never sacrificing purity of doctrine.

If I can get this right in my marriage, then I can get this right in every context in life in which I am confronted.

Saying, “I love You”, may not be the most romantic thing you could say to your spouse, but it is the most SOLID thing you could ever say to your spouse.